I have been experiencing a true "inner struggle" for a while now. I have happened upon several really inspirational blogs of families who are dealing with special needs. They are shining examples of the family I want be. They accepted God's call to parent their children NO MATTER WHAT. NO IFS, ANDS, OR BUTS. They did not place limits on what they would accept. They did not question for one minute what God was asking of them. They faced their fears of the unknown head-on.
I am ashamed to admit that every now and then something bad tempts me to question what special needs our family can handle. Can I truly handle parenting a child that has a terminal illness? Or don't all of us as God's children have an expiration date on our bodies? Deep stuff for me to ponder! I think it is putting my faith to the test - the test of a lifetime.
I'm sure that no one in their right mind wants to say goodbye to a young child. Death is difficult and painful enough right? But the death of our child......well - really God's child. We are here to parent and love and support and care for our children. But they are all our adopted children, aren't they? This is really really hard for me to grasp because the experience of growing a baby in your womb, carrying that baby, nourishing them and giving birth to them - life! Well, let me tell you it is like nothing else. It truly is MIRACULOUS.
Since I was 18 years old, I have spent my life protecting my children and keeping them from harm, sickness, danger, and meanness. Knowingly accepting a child into our family (whether by adoption or birth) that has life-threatening, or at the least, life challenging medical needs is quite terrifying to me. I know it is selfish and weak - believe me I pray for strength every night.
I just wanted to share these fears with all of my blog friends because I hope that you have felt something similar and understand me. I need your prayers to give me strength of body, mind, and spirit. I know that God has big wonderful things in store for us! I pray that we will be worthy of His plans and take that step forward even though there is risk involved.